myfirstblog

PS2 "Guitar Hero" Sidelines Detroit Tiger's Bullpen Ace Joel Zumaya

2006-12-14T10:19:00.000-05:00

Club president and general manager Dave Dombrowski told WXYT-AM (1270) on Wednesday the team had concluded Zumaya's injury resulted from playing a video game, consistent with the action of a guitar player, not from his powerful throwing motion.

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Digg's Algorithm Problem

2006-11-06T07:30:00.000-05:00

Would love to hear Diggnation's thoughts on this new algorithm. This user is a personal friend of mine and I think his points are valid. I wanted to present this issue because I am sure there are some counterpoints to this posting... Let me hear your thoughts!

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Top 10 Signs You're Dating A High Maintenance Girl

2006-10-03T10:39:00.000-04:00

Gentleman, too many of us fall prey to the High Maintenance Girl. And too many of us don't see the warning signs until it is, alas, too late and we have been reduced to snivelling, weak, insecure shells of our true, pre-High Maintenance Girl days.

Funny stuff.

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25 Signs That, Sadly, You've Grown Up

2006-09-27T11:40:00.000-04:00

I would say I am about half an half, but the metaphorical ball is rolling down the wrong side of the hill on this one.

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Charles Darwin: Theory of Sexual Selection

2006-09-14T17:18:00.000-04:00

Survival of the Hottest: "Not the theory that school boards in backwater communities are indignant about. We're talking about Darwin's other theory, the one that would probably give school boards heart attacks if they knew. The one, that is, about sex."

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19 Little Things to Make You a Better Man

2006-09-14T17:15:00.000-04:00

Number 8. Gratitude. It takes 15 seconds to thank someone for their time or gift. It takes 15 years for them to forgive you when you don't.

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5 Ways to Think Your Way Thin - Men's Health

2006-09-14T11:33:00.000-04:00

My favorite: Pitfall 2: Sabotage By Your Wife Or Girlfriend... Women are so sneaky...

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More Vegas...

2006-08-31T00:23:00.000-04:00

Check out my Mobile Cell Phone Blog for more pictures... My facebook profile is slowly being updated with high resolution pictures each day (ah-hem! Paul!)

http://v5foundation.textamerica.com/

The Vegas... And everything I remember.

2006-08-31T00:14:00.000-04:00

I’m back from The Vegas with Keith, Paul, and Larry. I am alive. So lets get right to some of the highlights.

Wednesday Night: Pretty uneventful except for the flight. Any person that has ever flown has entertained the fantasy of having the hottest person available sit next to them. For four hours, I lived the dream. I figured it was a “good omen” for the trip once I got her number and the “agreement” of meeting up later.

Upon making our way to the baggage claim, I remarked to Larry that Vegas smells like “hope and broken dreams, mixed in with the scent of a used condom.” You may laugh, but it is true.

Larry, Keith, and I stayed Wednesday night at Binions on the Old Strip. As I stated before, except for exposing the nonexistent “open intox” law, it was pretty uneventful.

Thursday: Paul arrives (and so does his picture taking ability)! The day was spent preparing for night: Checking in to Treasure Island (TI), getting liquor, and (as Keith so eloquently put it) doing a “Box Scan” of the pool.

At night we went to Caesar’s Palace for The Pussy Cat Dolls performance. More pictures of this night will be posted as soon as I get them from Paul. Not only did we have the lead singer pose for us, but Paul was also thrown a glove from one of the ladies during the performance. The glove smelled like the first time you lost your virginity; a little awkward, very exciting, maybe a little overrated, but something you will always remember. The Dolls were clearly the most beautiful women we had ever laid eyes on. During the show, all the men were wide-eyed with mouths agape, while all the women had their arms crossed, jealously cursing the Dolls because they were not as good looking.

We also met two very cool female teachers from Toronto. This was the first really classic story of the night weekend involving these two girls and male genitalia… Unfortunately, some events cannot be made public (although the story has been told numerous times, during numerous voicemails).

After the show, the drunk dials started and held strong throughout the week. I am not sure how many, or even who received one, but I have heard roomers they were pretty legendary (along with being nearly incomprehensible).

Friday Night: During the day we walked around The Strip sweating out hangovers in 100 degree heat. The night was all about blacking out and going to the Ghost Bar at the Palms. After a good hour of Jack and Cokes, we made our way out of the room and stumbled upon (for lack of a better phrase) a “drunken Mexican ready to party.” After meeting “Antonio,” Paul clearly had to invite him out with us. Once we arrived at the Ghost Bar, it apparent we were not getting in based upon the long line of sausage. Paul then (thankfully) made the executive decision to ditch “Antonio” and head back for The Strip. It was during this cab ride I made some regretful (but sweet) drunk dials. As I have said before, if you did receive one, can you please tell me what I said? During the cab ride back there was another futile attempt to meet up with “hot airplane girl and friends,” but we quickly headed back to the club at TI. As the details become hazier, I do remember running into some “nice young women” from the pool earlier in the day. Larry had already retired to the room, so it was three on three for a short while at the bar. Regrettably, this was too good to be true, because after 15 minutes, the “fat friend” appeared and unmistakably wanted her friends to watch her be fat and obnoxious at another club. Alas, after three Michigan alums were undermined by a “fourth-wheel, fat, drunk Canadian,” we retired to… I’m not going to lie, I really don’t remember what happened after this, just that I may have made some more regrettable phone calls.

Saturday: What better way to end an excellent Vegas trip with a night filled with strippers and a Canadian Television cameo?

Strippers: For the last couple days we would head back to our room at all hours of the day/night and hear what sounded like, hot women across the hall. While pre-drinking for the night, Keith picked up the phone and called their room. He was posing as a “Detective Rick” and asked them to come down to the front desk because there had been a noise violation. The girls bought it, and we called them back minutes later saying instead of going to the front desk, they have to come across the hall (our room). It was at this point Keith loudly confessed, “please be hot, please be hot, please be hot.” Well, sometimes the Lord Giveth, and sometimes He Taketh… This was certainly one of those “Giveth” moments. Now, the ladies did not say they were strippers, but while pre partying with them, I observed and asked some questions. You can make the call.

1) Each of the five (from Decently Hot to Hot) had tattoos on their ankles, backs, necks, and forearms. All the markings of a stripper.
2) Aside from a used condom, they had everything lying about the room that lived and breathed “skank.” My favorites were the nipple pasties worn by Keith and “Heather.”
3) When I asked the question, “so what do you girls do?” The last time I witnessed an awkward silence like that, my pants were around my ankles. The only one that answered (Jenny… So appropriate at this point), said she was a “waitress” and quickly changed the subject.

Pictured are Keith and Heather. I really haven’t seen a girl work that hard to fuck one of my brothers since my ex-girlfriend. At least I was there this time…

After a little more partying with the strippers, and realizing we did not have enough money to collectively go out with even one of them, we bailed for Pure at Caesar’s Palace. Incredibly inebriated, we arrived early to wait in line with the Toronto Teachers (their names were Lisa and Laura… I still don’t remember who was who). Unfortunately, by the time we got to the front, the bouncer said we were in the wrong line… Yep, too drunk to get in the RIGHT LINE… The fun begins...

Head Butt and Cameo: Larry and I then bolted for the bathrooms. Although I’m sure grown men have peed their pants in Vegas before, we did not want to be another statistic. (ed. Note: Early in the day, Keith and I were making fun of a ton of guys from LA at the pool. All with shaved heads, same black glasses, tattoos on their arms, and drinking the same Budlight… Frat-tastic… Totally Ricks). As Larry and I emerged from the bathroom, we walked right into a flood of people around a camera crew. In my current state of mind, a couple rows deep of people, and a television camera was not going to deter me from finding an exit out of the casino. After cutting through the crowd, I went right in front of the camera and asked for directions. Before I was to receive an answer (or taser), I noticed the cameraman had a baldhead, leading to this little nugget of knowledge: “Hey! This guy has a baldhead! (Rubbing my hand on his head like a bowler massaging a bowling ball) I love this guy!”

Larry and I then met up with Paul and a bloodied Keith. Apparently, upon finding out we could not get in to the club, Keith head butted the nearest glass pane. Trust me, it was a lot funnier than it sounds. Once we left the casino, there are definite parts of my life missing. Kind of like time travel. I was at Pure, then teleported back to TI’s casino, then to Little Creaser’s with Paul, then getting a wake up call at 520am from the strippers across the hall and a sign that read “I love butt plugs” at the foot of the bed. Yeah, you tell me what happened. So to cap off our crazy trip, Paul, Keith, and myself went across the hallway to watch the sunrise, or after a night like that, “God’s Flashlight.”

Over the last year and a half, things had been pretty tough, and then you go on a trip with some of your best friends, from the best years of your life. Through all the fucked up jobs, relationships, and the gossip, I know there are a lot of people out there who actually want me in their life, and vice versa. Larry, Keith, Paul, and myself may regret some of our decisions on this trip, but we will never regret the trip as a whole. See you next time Vegas.

Study: Emotion rules the brain's decisions

2006-08-07T19:03:00.000-04:00

The evidence has been piling up throughout history, and now neuroscientists have proved it's true: The brain's wiring emphatically relies on emotion over intellect in decision-making.

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Infamous Cleveland library masturbator, has recently been sentenced...

2006-08-01T21:54:00.000-04:00

Remember that guy who got caught masturbating in the public library? So does the local news, and it's sentencing time...
Did I mention the kid is an Ohio State fan?

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3 out of 4 women now prefer a plasma tv to a diamond... THANK YOU GOD

2006-08-01T21:50:00.000-04:00

I think 100 out of 100 men agree with this... Although, you know she will never admit it.

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Public Service Announcement: Don't Sleep with "these guys."

2006-07-31T15:43:00.000-04:00

We have all crossed paths with these guys at some point... And may they burn in hell... It's a good laugh. Plus, we all know girls that would sleep with these guys, whether they admit to it or not.

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"Be An Expert On Anything" by Stephen Colbert

2006-07-28T01:15:00.000-04:00

Stephen Colbert won't be taking the advice offered in this guide. He has dedicated his career to passing himself off as an expert on anything.
Among the highlights:
#6: Speak from the balls, not from the diaphragm
#7: Don't be afraid to make things up

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More Americans too fat for X-rays and other scans

2006-07-26T11:58:00.000-04:00

More and more obese people are unable to get full medical care because they are either too big to fit into scanners, or their fat is too dense for X-rays or sound waves to penetrate, radiologists reported on Tuesday.

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Study: Men's Brain Power Reduced by Sleeping With Wives/Partners

2006-07-23T11:02:00.000-04:00

And women always get mad at us for not paying attention... When, in fact, it is their fault!

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5 Gas Saving Myths

2006-07-20T19:39:00.000-04:00

"Think you're stretching out your gas dollars by not running your car's air conditioning? Think again."

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25 Cinematic Cliches I Never Wanna See Again

2006-07-18T14:31:00.000-04:00

The title says it all... Totally dead on...

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Hilarious clip about a guy who goes shopping with a stocking on his head

2006-07-14T00:43:00.000-04:00

Guy goes into shops and tries to buy things dressed as a robber. Check out the reactions from the staff. Priceless

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Paris, Nicole: To Fight on The Simple Life 5?

2006-07-13T16:34:00.000-04:00

I hope it is to the death... Hey, just saying what we are all thinking...

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The Iraqi sniper about whom the U.S.A. doesn't want you to know.

2006-07-13T16:29:00.001-04:00

The ONE time I saw this story on U.S.A. television was on a local news station. Just try and search for it on CNN.com. The only official news sites on which it is listed are foreign.

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The Iraqi sniper about whom the U.S.A. doesn't want you to know.

2006-07-13T16:29:00.000-04:00

Road Crew Unearth Mastodon Fossils

2006-07-10T17:14:00.000-04:00

"Crews working with the Road Commission for Oakland County (Michigan) unearthed what they think are the remains of a mastodon -- a tusked mammal that grazed in the Great Lakes area for thousands of years before becoming extinct 10,000 years ago."

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Apple's new iPod nano may sport metal jacket

2006-07-10T13:38:00.000-04:00

"The next generation of Apple Computer's iPod nano digital music player may dip into iPod mini's wardrobe, AppleInsider has learned. In an effort to reduce the player's susceptibility to scratches, Apple has been experimenting with aluminum anodized enclosures similar to those used in the company's iPod mini digital music players."

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The Uncanny Valley: Can video game graphics get too good?

2006-07-09T09:12:00.000-04:00

Gamespot makes the claim that graphics are like a mountain with a steep cliff at the end. Graphics make us feel better and better about the game until the graphics become so realistic that they make us feel discomfort and react negatively.

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A Ninja reviews "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest"

2006-07-08T01:18:00.000-04:00

A slightly biased review of the movie to settle the score between pirates and ninjas.

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Apple to release TiVo Killing "AppleVision" set-top box

2006-06-30T13:47:00.000-04:00

Analysts believe that Apple are set to release a set-top box, utilizing Front Row technology, creating a potential 'TiVo Killer'. I guess this will be another future purchase for my home theater...

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Do Penis Pumps Work?

2006-06-30T13:35:00.000-04:00

This story is for the Little People... Pun intended...

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Kerkorian says struggling automaker should partner with Nissan and Renault

2006-06-30T13:19:00.000-04:00

One of the largest investors in General Motors Corp. Friday urged the world's largest automaker to consider a three-way partnership with Nissan Motor Corp. and Renault SA, sending shares of GM up sharply in opening trade.

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Ten Things Your Supermarket Won't Tell You (Full Story)

2006-06-29T17:51:00.000-04:00

"Just like the title says, here are ten ways your supermarket is either aiming to rip you off or potentially messing with your health. Practical information you can use to make wise choices rather than alarmist propaganda. Possibly limited to U.S. supermarkets but still worth reading." (This is the original article.)

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Ro-Town Encore

2006-06-29T16:09:00.000-04:00

As an English major at The University of Michigan, I had the chance to take three separate courses taught by the modern day legend, Ralph Williams. He was a teacher that single-handedly foiled every attempt of mine to skip out on Friday classes. However, each Friday for the last year and a half of my collegiate career, numerous students including myself (sometimes gravely hung over) filled his lecture hall. Prof Williams radiated an aura in which each student knew he saw life in bigger and brighter colors while putting a large emphasis on the present, rather than worrying about the future. Other students and myself never understood where he got “it.” No matter which class I was in, or even if the students were the same, the discussion always came up and ended with the same question. “Where did It come from?” At one point I made the joke It was just because he was homosexual and “they are all that way (although I said that with all joking aside, I assume I will look back to that day once I am rejected from the Pearly Gates).” The joke went over well because everyone knew it was just that, a joke. There are very few teachers who reach that teaching pantheon status in which you have to let your friends, family, and future children know about them. If you ever speak to someone that has taken a course with Ralph Williams, the conversation always comes back to It. When you meet someone like that in your lifetime, it sticks. Moreover, there are two questions you have to ask. “How did he get It?” “How can I get It?”

After a year of living in Western Mass and moving home, I have found It. There was a point in time last year when I realized that bitching and moaning about my current situation was not going to get me anywhere in life. Although I still could sit here and rattle off numerous anecdotes over the last year, there is no point. I met a lot of great people and did a lot of cool things (more to come on those). However, the last year probably was the most important in terms of “growing up.” I learned whom my friends are and what I want to do with my life. I was more than 700 miles away and that distance did not stop anyone from keeping in contact and helping me out during the rough patches (if you’re reading this, you know who you are and what those rough patches were). From a daily IM or email conversation to an impromptu road trip, those things kept me going.

People love to focus more on the past and future than they do on the present. From a loving relationship to a good job, many people do not realize when they have a “good thing going.” I used to be like that, and now that I am back home for the next couple years, I refuse to ever be that way again. Was this entry a little boring and sappy? Of course it was. I am glad to be back home among friends and family and needed to tell you all about it. As of right now, I am enjoying every moment and am looking forward to numerous trips anywhere from the local bar (Coyote Joes) to Chicago (Box, leave me some space on the floor).

It is good to be home...

Brian Regan on Broadway

2006-01-30T16:54:00.000-05:00

Last night I was at Carolines Comedy Club on Broadway in NYC to see Brian Regan… You do not have to point out that I was binge drinking at eight o’clock on a Sunday night. There was a “two drink minimum” imposed at the door, however that “rule” was much like chewing gum in grade school, it was made to be broken… Caroline’s is a legendary Comedy Club that has housed famous stand-up acts from George Carlin, to Jerry Seinfeld, to every single Wayne’s Brother. Situated just right of center stage, our cocktail table was twenty feet away (just far enough to be incredibly close, but not close enough to be made fun of). There was not one moment throughout Regan’s hour and fifteen minute set that I was not smiling or laughing hysterically. Considering I have been a “self appointed” connoisseur of Stand Up Comedy since my awkward middle school years and during the Golden Age of Comedy Central, Regan’s performance rivals many of the past/present legends I have witnessed (Dave Chappelle, Mitch Hedberg, Dave Attell, Dane Cook, Lewis Black). To the trained ear, even jokes that were not as polished received incredible results (his Betty-Crocker bit comes to mind). Furthermore, you will be hard pressed to find a comedian with a cleaner act (verbally) continually turning out sidesplitting laughs. Brian just started his 2006 tour and is coming to Kalamazoo, Michigan. I highly recommend getting tickets, you will not regret spending the money.

After last night in NYC, this is the only day I have felt lucky to have such a mindless job. I am riding about three hours of sleep and literally have felt drunk all day. I walked to the bathroom fifteen minutes ago, got to the stall, and did not know where I was, or how I got there. I am completely sober…. And have been blacking out all day.

One more comedic nugget before I take off for the day:
This was an actual interaction that took place between Dave (my supervisor, and one of the only people that keep me sane during the day) and myself.

Me (sitting in the Break Room as Dave enters, stage right): Dave… You wanna hang out (sarcastically)?
Dave: No.
Me: Why not?
Dave: Because you’re a queer…(Exit Dave stage right).

Return of the Blog

2006-01-26T14:10:00.000-05:00

Wow… There is nothing like a heavy dose of holiday traveling and general apathy to kill a Blog. Here is a little run down since my last post:

UM v. OSU game at The Big House (I refuse to believe that game existed) with Jenny.
Home for Thanksgiving/Flight delayed for 8 hours while on three hours of sleep (F you Northwest)
Home for Jenny’s Winter Formal, another flight delay, but a great time once I got there.
Home for Christmas.
Jenny’s visit for the New Year and then our subsequent visit to New York for her 21st this past weekend (pictures coming).

As stated in my previous post, my Precious (i.e High Definition sporting events and network television) has been taking up a lot of my time. Two new shows have gotten the best of my DVR and me the last couple weeks. The Shield (FX, 10pm Tuesdays) and 24 (Fox, 9pm Mondays). Both are in their fifth season, and I am a little late to the band wagon, but both are excellent shows. Forrest Whitaker is the new District Attorney investigating Michael Chiklis this season for “The Shield” and hands in a top-notch performance each episode for this Cop Drama. Lt. Tom Kavanaugh (Forrest Whitaker) rates high on the unintentional comedy factor with his passive aggressiveness nearly every scene by constantly issuing apologies “tongue in cheek.” As for 24, or as I like to call it, “The Jack Bauer Hour” you are missing a great show (I’m sure you have heard the accolades, so there is no need to indulge you)… Seriously, someone has to look into creating an actual DVD called The Jack Bauer Power Hour. It would be a montage of minute long Jack Bauer scenes complete with shot glasses monogrammed with the show’s title, “24.” I need to go out more…

Before I take off, I wanted to comment on how much of an adventure it is to workout at Gold’s Gym. Without further ado, here are some characteristics of my White Trash Melting Pot of a gym:

-The “Big Johnson” T-Shirts that you thought were formally “in style” during the mid 90’s… are appropriate gym apparel.

-At least one woman who seems a little too “well kempt” while only working out during the afternoon. Leading yourself, and every other male in the gym to be convinced she either has a “website” or moonlights as a stripper. Extra points for: Hoop earrings, tattoos (lower back, neck, shoulders), talking on cell phone on treadmill.

-Spandex Man- My nickname for this ‘roided out creature. He only works out in black spandex pants, long sleeve shirt, and a bandana… Classy…
There are numerous “women” more masculine than I will ever been (this also includes penis size).

-Smelly Guy(s): We all know him and have had the unfortunate experience of working out within his vicinity. He is very easy to spot, so if you keep your head on a swivel, his nausea-inducing aroma can be avoided. Ninety percent of the time, you can spot him… one hundred percent of the time… Smelly Guy wears any combination of sweatpants/shirts, or bandana. Smelly Guy has an abundance of sweat stains or imprints from the small of his back to the crack of his ass.

-English is a second language in my gym. You have to be Hispanic with greasy hair and gold chains to be properly accepted within this culture.

That concludes my first update in months. My belated New Years Resolution is to update this thing more often. And to keep it more interesting.

2005-10-26T20:58:00.000-04:00

BOX house tailgate on State and Hoover... Ahhh, memories...

2005-10-26T20:57:00.000-04:00

The Big House if filling up. Nothing like a college football Saturday.

2005-10-26T20:56:00.000-04:00

Go Blue!

2005-10-26T20:55:00.000-04:00

I swear to God... It seems like the tallest fucking person is always standing in front of me... Later in the game, Jenny and I moved a row in front of him... Ten minutes later... Yep, back in front of me for no reason.

2005-10-26T20:53:00.000-04:00

Baking in the sun at halftime with Jenny

2005-10-26T20:52:00.000-04:00

Good looking and a little tipsy

Ramble On...

2005-10-26T14:22:00.000-04:00

Once again, I have been pretty busy since my last post. Working in a call center talking to people straight out of movie Deliverance is so intellectually taxing that when I come home, I cannot muster the energy to write … not really… Nonetheless, this update is going to be filled with random thoughts and experiences over the last month.

My Precious: Well, at least until if find another big purchase to obsess about (probably an expensive watch). My part-time hard work finally paid off at Best Buy, resulting in a Pioneer 43 inch High Definition Plasma with line conditioner, Monster HDMI cables, HD DVD player, and a Comcast HD/DVR. I am now a television whore. It does an excellent job fighting the lonely.

Homecoming: It was nothing but fun filled nostalgia (pictures updated later since I am at work). Jenny was kind enough to take me in while managing not to make me feel too old. She made this old man feel like a kid again (sigh). Getting to watch my Blue (although they lost, shocking 110,000 plus people) on a beautiful football Saturday, being referred to at the DU Alumni Tailgate as an “Alumnus,” and good ole college binge drinking became the perfect Depression Cocktail after plummeting back to my Call Center Reality at weekend’s end.

Real World vs. College World: Once you graduate High School, it seems as though everyone and their mother wants to congratulate you while adding, “welcome to the real world.” … Not true… There is the College World, and then there is the Real World. If I were standing at a urinal, next to a stall occupied by a co-worker (for the reader's benefit, he would be going “Number Two), and was to begin peeing on his $200 shoes… I would probably be fired and arrested in the Real World. In the College World, I would be congratulated by friends (and possibly family) with resounding laughter, numerous high-fives, and alcoholic beverages . In the College World, men and women are turned on by the opposite sex; in the Real World, men and women are turned on by no lines at the bank, a good parking spot, and minimal Rush-Hour traffic. In the College World, if you do not like someone, you execute the unspoken “Top-Shelf” at their next house party; in the Real World, you have to be passive aggressive and talk behind their back… I could go on…

What’s in a Name? I would like to note, for the record, that in the last ten days I have shown the most moral restraint known to man while talking to three incredible human beings: Joe ManLove, Jenny Craig, and Rich Kutch. I dare you to speak with these people about their retirement without laughing, especially when you have to address someone as “Mr. ManLove” while not in the context of a derogatory insult.

Plucking Kidding Me!

2005-09-30T14:07:00.000-04:00

Last night, around 730pm at the local Stop and Shop (i.e. a Massachusetts Kroger), I received a sign from God. All of you reading my blog know that I am a hairy Italian, and somewhat metro-sexual. Over the last couple of days, I had been in desperate need of eyebrow tweezers in order to prevent the union of my “man made eyebrows.” You may call it “metro-sexual plucking,” I call it “heterosexual grooming.”

While perusing the local store for a new pair of tweezers, I wanted to be as inconspicuous as possible. However, it was getting close to “O.C. Time,” and I had to give in and ask the pharmacist for assistance… And that’s when the voice of God projected from a mustachioed, menopausal Umpa-Lumpa behind the counter. “Aisle 21, on the left, right next to the tampons.”

Some other quick hits before I take off. This has been up at Gold’s Gym for the last month. I wish I had some visitors to come see this.

Been watching some new shows this fall (TV and movies get much better when you have a 43inch high definition plasma). I would suggest tuning into The Office and My Name is Earl on NBC; Entourage (it’s On-Demand now), Curb Your Enthusiasm and Rome on HBO; Kitchen Confidential on Fox.

My best experience at work occurred yesterday. I want to thank Box for calling directly to my line with his Irish (Lucky Charms) accent under the alias of “Shamus.” Can’t wait for my managers to hear that call review.

2005-08-09T15:28:00.000-04:00

This is my new roommate Hobbes. Ladies, watch out.

2005-08-09T15:26:00.000-04:00

From right to left starting at the bottom: Don't know that guy in the hat, although he did sit in front of me for three hours... Me, with me sweet ice cream hat/bowl, Christina, Wayne the Brain (I dubbed him that from Aqua-Teen, he doesn't like to smile in pictures), Christine... Top: Zain (Rhymes with Dan, I call him the Zain-Master for no reason), Grant, Sara, and two people that I don't know that rode the bus with us...

2005-08-09T15:13:00.000-04:00

Don't worry friends back at home... I'm still an idiot...

2005-08-09T15:12:00.000-04:00

Stitched two pictures together. This is from where we were sitting.

2005-08-09T15:10:00.000-04:00

NESN Pre-Game show. I would have been "that guy on the cell phone waving in the background," but then I realized that i I had no one to call... So, yeah...

2005-08-09T15:08:00.000-04:00

Yawkey Way before the game... Fenway basically closes down this street and it is a huge party. This is how going to a baseball game should be. A few of us hit up a bar before the game.

Working Overtime

2005-06-09T19:24:00.000-04:00

This morning I had a meeting with my future (starting Monday) boss at MassMutual. John is a great guy and it seems like I am going to have fun with my other co-workers. It is only about a 20 minute drive south to Springfield from my apartment. However, my morning commute would not have been as traumatizing if I had KNOWN I would be traveling through the ghetto. I found it highly ironic that on my way to a Fortune 500 company I saw a hooker five minutes upon exiting the free way. The hooker not only surprised me, but also got me wondering why a prostitute is working at 830am (other than the obvious “sex for money” thing). I was always under the impression whores worked solely at night. Although, with her long hours, I’m sure she is getting some type of health insurance from her pimp… Or maybe she works alone and is looking for a pimp, kind of like a free agent in professional sports. I digress… Consequently, I guess I was a little jaded when it comes to “prostitution hours,” because all the Sorostitues I knew in school came out at night... ZING!

Some quick hits before I’m out:

Check out this link of Tom Cruise loosing his mind about Kate Holmes on Oprah, then check out Dane Cook’s impersonation of Cruise on Jimmy Kimmel. I really think Tommy has gone off the deep end with this “relationship.” If you look closely at Oprah, you can see legitimate panic in her face. As if realizing she is witnessing the downfall of Tom Cruise on her show, before her very eyes.

I am all for Meet the Barkers on MTV. It is an entertaining show for some odd reason. However, the next/first time you tune in, check out their introduction about one another. I laugh so hard each time I hear, “My…Mother… was deaf…” Am I the only one that finds this rating very high on the Unintentional Comedy Factor?

Check out this link with Vin Diesel fun facts. Impress your boss, friends, and family!

That’s it for me, catch you guys tomorrow.

Home Sweet Home

2005-06-09T01:07:00.000-04:00

I have finally settled into my new apartment here in Northampton, Massachusetts. This area is so beautiful, it’s hard to believe that I’m actually living here and not just on vacation. The city is nestled in the foothills of the Appalachians and makes for a very scenic backdrop. My place has refinished hardwood floors, brand new appliances, and a great view (ed. note, this comment is very exciting if you are living on your own/out of college, so please, do not think of Adam Valentine as a quire boy for getting excited about said living essentials). For those of you in Michigan, the only way to describe Northampton is as if Royal Oak was “Up North” on one of the lakesr (in this case, the Connecticut River). Also, downtown Northampton reminds me of a miniature San Francisco… The area, not the people. I hope that all of you get the chance to come visit some day (although I know that is probably a pipe dream, but oh well).

The most important thing I have to get used to is the slow paced lifestyle. The first day here, my parents and I went to grab a QUICK bite to eat at the Amherst Applebee’s while waiting for my lease. Now, I figured any type of Applebee’s restaurant (TGI Fridays, etc) would have universally fast service, within 15-20 minutes. Nope. It took 30 minutes to get our food. After driving through the previous night for 10 hours, with one hour of sleep, 30 minutes of a “water refill” is not going to do it. Moreover, 70mph qualifies you for the fast lane on the highway. In Michigan, doing 70 mph in the fast lane gives just-cause for other drivers to commit Road Rage and aggravated assault.

Some quick thoughts:

Since I am living alone, I catch myself saying things like, “the Human Torch was denied a bank loan,” “how no Brown Cow,” and “unique New York” aloud throughout the day. Pathetic, but funny.

I would really like some feed back on “my T-Shirt idea” that I have been talking about for about 5 years: A plain white T with “LOL!” in black letters on the front, and “ttyl (or “brb,” I can’t decide) on the back. I think it would be an excellent party shirt. Tell me what you think.

In my Big House graduation update, I forgot to take the blame for a costly “commencement error.” I hereby apologize for not providing the obligatory “gigantic penis balloon” during commencement. The University of Michigan is a liberal college accepting of diversity, I’m sure the Regents would have been understanding of a five foot tall penis with “Mary Sue Sucks This” written around the shaft.

That's all for me as of now. I have to keep some material for later.

Graduation Part Two

2005-06-01T18:05:00.000-04:00

Commencement for the Class of 2005 was at The Big House (U of M football stadium) Saturday, April 30^th. All students had to arrive around 8am to get their picture taken before entering the stadium. Once inside the Stadium gates, you were immediately herded into lines for your picture before entering Commencement. However, with thousands of students arriving at one place, at the same time, standing in line for a very long time inevitable. Not only was the standing and waiting irritating, but it was a combination of two cataclysmic factors: 1) The fat lady (pictured on the 5/10 update) on a pedestal shouting into a megaphone to “keep the line moving;” 2) The fact that we had to BE THERE AT 8AM. Come on people, over the last four years of college WAKING UP at 10am was a struggle… The Real World is going to be a rude awakening…

Furthermore, nothing says “you’re graduating from The University of Michigan” more than sitting behind two gay black men at your commencement. The one on the left (picture below) had straightened, long greasy hair, while his partner wore a rainbow sweater and sported a dripping jerry curl. Is that how you spell it? I’m sure my 95% African-American readership will help me out by posting a correction, or concurrence.

Throughout the ceremony I sat next to my buddy Jack Zuckerman and remarked how ironic it is that all our fraternity brothers were going to med school or had a nice job (i.e. Microsoft), while our friends outside Delta Upsilon were going 5+ years to complete their degree. Unfortunately, I still have not decided who has the better deal. Everyday since graduating and accepting my job in Massachusetts, I have felt like Jerry McGuire when he flips out in his office screaming, “Who’s coming with me?” Well, I’m leaving on Friday, June 3^rd at 3am in the morning. None of you may be coming with me, but you sure as hell have a nice place to stay during a visit. Thank you all for a wonderful 22 years of memories, I hope you all help me create more in Massachusetts. My next post will be after I have moved in.

2005-06-01T15:03:00.000-04:00

"I just love what you did with your hair."

Graduation Part One

2005-05-27T17:10:00.000-04:00

Considering this is the first “real” update I have posted over the last month, I’ll get right to it. I’ll try and bring you up to date as quickly and amusingly (yes, it is a word) as possible. These small posts will span over a couple days, so keep checking back.

On Friday, April 29^th I attended my Communication School (“The C-School”) Commencement. Or as I referred to it as, “My East-Coast daddy is getting me a job out of college so I picked a blow off major which will allow me to drink and get STD’s for four years while driving my Audi/Volkswagen and talking on my cell phone with my North Face on” Commencement. Basically, it’s a major for the Greek System.

I kind of got the feeling that even the Comm Department knew this because our “commencement” did not start until 1pm. It was as if the staff was recognizing the fact that all of us were going to show up hung over wearing (in some cases multiple) bar stamps. If there was going to be a remote chance for attendance, they had to schedule it as late as possible. Even with the later time, I’m sure there were a couple families looking for their son/daughter while said child was still waking up in a stranger’s bed from last night.

Our keynote speaker was Arnold C. Pohs; he was a pioneer/invented cell phone technology. I found it highly ironic that he was speaking to the Greek System/Comm Students because we are single-handedly responsible for about 90% of cell phones interrupting class. He was a great guy and a decent speaker, but as with all commencement speakers, about half the audience listens.

That’s it for now; another post about graduation at the Big House will be coming later tonight.

2005-05-10T21:58:00.000-04:00

Tired... Hungry... Graduated...

2005-05-10T21:57:00.000-04:00

Bo received an honorary degree of Law... Not too sure why, but he is a living legend. This was the only time the students actually listened to someone talk.

2005-05-10T21:53:00.000-04:00

Of all the funny hats I saw at graduation... No comment...

2005-05-10T21:50:00.000-04:00

It's 830am in the morning and most of us are hungover to the BeJesus... THE LINE IS NOT MOVING!

2005-05-10T21:49:00.000-04:00

"Please keep the line moving Please keep the line moving Please keep the line moving Please keep the line moving Please keep the line moving Please keep the line moving"

Two Men Enter... One Man Leave...

2005-04-15T16:16:00.000-04:00

On Tuesday afternoon I went into GM Planworks for an interview (editor’s note: This is where I interned last summer, people know me… I’m a big deal) and an event of mythic proportions transpired. Fabio (yes, THE Fabio) was making a promotional appearance for his new show. Since I was unable to confront him about his apparent trespass of my “Extremely Good Looking Territory,” I have decided to go mano-a-Fabio via cyberspace. Let the Battle of Tight Pants begin.

Hair- My black Italian Stallion hair vs. Fabio’s Blond Luscious Locks: Advantage Fabio. My hair does not lightly waft in a gentle breeze. I have a feeling that everyone who meets “The Fabs” wants to run their fingers through his hair…. Just me? Okay then…

Height- 5’10 Adam Valentine vs. Papa Smurf Fabio: Advantage Valentine. Not sure on his exact height, but he was tiny.

Chest- Meathead vs. Meathead: Push. I would ask him for a spot on bench press, and so would he… Respect.

Amusement Park Experience: Seagull shit on my head when I was 10 at Cedar Point vs. Goose hit Fabs in the face on Apollo’s Chariot at Busch Gardens: Advantage Fabio. I really don’t know if you can call it an “advantage,” but it is not every day you hear that someone got hit IN THE FACE by a flying goose (high UCF).

Tight Pants- Pants so tight I can not put my cell phone in my pocket vs. Pants not nearly as tight. Advantage Valentine. If you have ever gone out with me to the bar, you know exactly what I’m talking about… I still look good.

Novel/Magazine Covers- 0 vs. Hundreds. Advantage Fabio. Unless you count the fake magazine covers your parents buy with your [insert recreation sport picture here].

Total: Fabio- 3
Adam Valentine-2

You may have one the battle Fabio, but you have not won the war. Until we meet again…

Does this make my butt look big?

2005-04-09T20:21:00.000-04:00

It has been awhile, but I’m sure no one else has gotten anything done in the last week due to the weather. At this point in my Senior year, I have gotten lazy with my “missed class” excuses and just tell my teacher that I came down with the “warm weather flu.” Nevertheless there has no shortage of annoyances and ruminations that I would love to get to, in no particular order of course.

I love these Michigan weeks when it turns from Spring to Summer in a matter of days. Within this short time span I observe many more people working out and running than I have seen in the last four months. It’s as if all at once the girls around campus figure out that they are “spilling out” of the spring and summer wardrobes and decide to go out for a run. The girls working out are all about the same body type. They are not really fat and disgusting (those girls have long since resigned themselves to their “F-ugliness” and will rely on beer to get themselves laid for the rest of their life), but have just enough fat on them that you know they really don’t care about working out or watching what they eat during the winter months. I guess we can refer to it as “reverse hibernation syndrome (RHS).” The women suffering from RHS are fun to watch run the first couple times of the spring. They remind me of fat Ann Arbor (insert any college town) squirrels that see you munching on food half way across the Diag, begin to run/waddle towards you, then subsequently stop running because they figure it’s not worth the hassle. You just know that after a good mile of running in decent weather, these girls are already thinking about the Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and Sex in the City reruns awaiting them back at their apartment.

One of my worst pet peeves is that while I have been running for four miles I still have to maneuver around said fat ass/lazy hippie stoner/posse of ghetto booties/North Face wearing East Coast sorority girl. Furthermore, there can not be a more satisfying feeling than running through said annoyances while “gently” nudging them with my sweaty body. Try getting that off your Coach purse.

I guess it really didn’t take a University of Michigan student to predict the riots in East Lansing this year. It’s like hearing about “that girl” you went to high school with getting pregnant… Were you really that surprised?

While preparing for my MassMutual interview I Googled one of the VP’s I’ll be meeting with and came up with this. Enjoy.

Why is it that every time I fly (I’m writing this in the Chicago Midway terminal) I have to sit next to some Mama Kass heifer? It’s not pretty…

I was waiting in line to board to Hartford, Connecticut for about 15 minutes and decided to start a game of cell phone Tetris. Little did I know that I would play the most unprecedented cell phone Tetris game ever. Only the few and the proud know what it feels like to be on your last remaining moves, and running out of room, to come all the way back to the starting point. It’s as close to literally coming back from the dead you will ever get without doing it. No, really, it is.

I used to think one of the greatest inventions of our generation was the motion sensing toilet flusher. Unfortunately, each time I encounter one of these contraptions it is like a Russian roulette of toilet flushing. If you bend to far forward it thinks you have vacated the stall and flushes, giving you a dreadful feeling of “waste spray” onto your bare buttocks. If you try to compensate for this horrific occurrence, it becomes an uncomfortable wipe because you have to partially stand up. When executing this maneuver, balance is the key. With your pants around your ankles, one miscalculation could result in an embarrassing memory you will never be able to live down. Just imagine having that in your “drunken story arsenal.” No matter how great the party, there will be a distinct record scratch when you unleash this tale to the masses.

Just a couple interesting things from the Sky Mall Magazine (FYI, obese lady one row ahead of me farted, had to be her. Blaming a fart on a fat person is like blaming it on the dog…It always works) and I’ll be on my way. For those of you that don’t know, the Sky Mall Magazine is exactly that. Every f’ing thing that can be sold on Earth is at your fingertips thirty-thousand feet in the air. For the ultimate impulse buyer, I give you excerpts from Sky Mall:

Pg. 27: Professional Grade Breath Alcohol Tester (i.e. Breathalyzer). For some reason, I have a feeling these would be huge sellers in college towns. There have been numerous times I have come home from the bar and wondered just how drunk I really was. Or when a certain roommate hooks up with a fatty, I would really like to get a “reading” off of him. This way there could be a universal rating system for attractiveness amongst men and women. Everyone would be assigned a certain “threshold” in which the opposite sex would hook up with them. This way, descriptions such as “pretty cute” and “great personality” can be quantifiable. Furthermore, it would really add merit your drunken stories the next day.

Pg. 178: Pet Ramp. “Folding safety ram helps pets in and out of cars and pools!” … I shit you not…

Pg. 52: Beginning of the Home Improvement section… I’m getting my wedding registered in this magazine.

Pg. 83: Watch/Money Clip. I guarantee you that if my impulse buyer friend Mike Buratto saw this, he would have it over-nighted.

The pilot just came over the intercom and said that “we’ll be taking some short cuts to get home quicker.” How do you take short cuts flying? Aren’t we already traveling “as the crow flies?” I would like to know this…

Time to get some sleep, hope you all enjoyed the posting. If you want to leave comments without signing up for an account (although it does take all but two minutes out of your life), just post under “anonymous” and then sign your name.

Tonto, jump on it.

You Play Baseball Like a Girl.

2005-03-30T16:44:00.000-05:00

When people ask me why in the hell I still live in Michigan, it’s always hard to explain. However, if these same people can experience days like Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of this week, I have a feeling they would tough out a couple winters.

Monday was Diag Day for Greek Week. There are numerous events throughout the day, such as a buffalo wing eating contest, jousting, and Twister, that seem to cause more trouble between Greek Houses than raise money for charity. There is nothing like walking across the Diag to your Greek Week team while making comments to yourself about fellow Greeks such as: “Wow, that guy just looks like a huge douche bag,” “I wish Daddy would give me an allowance like that,” and “It must be pretty hard for that girl to hide her Slutty.” Anyho, with the warm weather and sunshine, I could not help but be suckered into throwing balls at the Dunk Tank. Needless to say, I did spend a lot of money, and yes, my arm is very sore. Let’s leave it at that. Moreover, considering my baseball background, I could not help but critique other Fratties, from well known athletic houses making a valiant attempt at retaining their masculinity while throwing a softball only a couple of feet (read: “They threw like girls.”). These events led me to remark to Jack that the fathers of each Fratty obviously did not spend enough time playing catch with their son in the back yard. It reminded me of that Saturn commercial in which this guy is taking his kids to football practice while talking about how he always “wanted to be that dad who teaches their son the perfect football spiral.” If you observe closely there is a high UCF (unintentional comedy factor) when he steps out of the van and releases the football like said Fratties above. Consequently, the ball goes end over end… Not really a perfect spiral. My son will not throw like a girl, I promise.

Stay tuned for more warm weather commentary about working out.

Sporgy

2005-03-28T02:45:00.000-05:00

I cannot think of another weekend in sports better than this one. In my eyes, this weekend was clearly the definitive "Sporgy" of my lifetime. This colorful term is better known as a "sports orgy." With my brackets thoroughly busted, it was nice to sit back and watch four of the greatest regional NCAA tourney games ever. I have to admit, I did route for MSU. As they choked away a lead at the end of the game, I think every Michigan fan backing MSU at the point was in a win-win situation. If they did win the game, us Wolverines could say it was a great game and look forward to another weekend of basketball. If they pulled another choke job (which myself and the rest of the guys in the room thought was entirely possible), it would just be more fuel to the fire (no pun intended) in a never ending string of insults between UMich and MSU. Consequently, it did turn out well in the end for Sparty, just delaying the riot for another week.

Speaking of choke jobs, there is no way in hell that Arizona should have lost to Illinois. Being up 15 points with 4:02 left is inexcusable. It was hard to fathom that loss after Zona had been man handling Illinois for 36 minutes. Shortly after the dramatic comeback I was speaking with a friend online about how Zona choked. She remarked that it was a lot of pressure and she didn't blame Zona. Granted, this will probably go down as one of the greatest comebacks in NCAA history, but I still can not grasp how the wheels could fall off of a team that fast. Especially when this is probably the biggest game of each player's life.

Random thoughts on the tourney and TV:

As much as I think Dick Vital is one of the best basketball announcers in the business, I'm getting a little sick of his ACC bias.

Can CBS come up with a couple new commercials for next week? I’m a little sick of the American Express commercials and obligatory network plug for a crappy made for TV movie. Or at least bring back the promo's for "Spring Break Shark Attack." Nothing like showing previews of perhaps the corniest "made for TV event" in the last five years. I have to admit, I am a little sorry I missed it.

Today I woke up at 10am and was at the UGLI by 11am working on a paper due this Wednesday. I finished it in a couple hours and came up with a Senioritus buster. When you are a senior, it seems as if you can only do assignments right before the deadline. Just the other day I tried to start the same paper, but I wrote one paragraph and my brain fell out. I think today’s success stemmed from giving myself a 5pm deadline for the MSU game. Also, added motivation came from glancing at the weather forecast for Tuesday (65 and sunny, are you f'ing kidding me?!) and knowing I’ll be out doors all day and night. Consequently, give yourself a made up deadline or reward, such as an unprecedented night of drinking.

If you have not caught Making the Band III with P. Diddy, now is the time. Don't be ashamed about watching scummy reality TV, embrace it. Keith and I (alright, just me) were channel surfing and stumbled upon this gem of a Reality show. To keep it short, I think Puff and the producers were getting a little peeved because the numerous girls they crammed into one NYC apartment were getting along too well. So how are most reality TV problems solved? Insert diva-like, overweight, sassy gay black man to critique the girls from eating to their dance moves (“Sweetie, you better know the camera will add five pounds to that baby fat.”). Tune in, you'll be tickled to death.

That’s it for me; enjoy the great weather this week. See you all at Dominick's.

Two good laughs

2005-03-24T16:00:00.000-05:00

Today I decided to post two of my all time favorite links. This first link is to one of my favorite commercials, it features the song "Push It" by Salt'n Pepper, Nextel phones, and two office workers. I hope you all enjoy this as much as I do.

I can not exactly point out what is it about this commercial that makes me laugh my ass off each time I view it, but I know it lies somewhere in between the awesome dance moves and the token guy playing the boom box.

This next link is a letter to the editor at "The State News." The first time I read it I thought this was a joke by written by someone from UMich. Fortunately, it is not. There is so much about this letter that makes me crack up I'm just going to link it into my favorite quote: "This winter I was applying to the BC (Business College). I had over a 3.1 grade point average and still was not admitted in. That's not a great GPA, but good enough for MSU." Moreover, our good buddy Chris Rinard says that if he would have known that he was going to get rejected from State's BC, he would have "pursued a medical degree down in Ann Arbor." Apparently, Christopher knows that we just hand out Medical Degrees down here... Damn those Staters for finding out our secret! This just adds more fuel to the fire that “we are better.” I relish the experience every time I get to copy and paste this link to an old co-worker from State (Sara Maters), who just loves to bash UM for no reason. To all my UMich friends out there, can we keep our "free degree" process from becoming common knowledge? I guess I'll have to bring this up at our next meeting.

Must See TV

2005-03-22T23:05:00.000-05:00

Okay, I swear this is my last post of the day (this IS more addicting than thefacebook). I wanted to give everyone a heads up that this Thursday is the premiere of The Office on NBC at 930pm. I know this conflicts with the Sporgy known as the NCAA tourney, but you should flick over and watch it. I really think it has a chance to be another Seinfield. I saw the pilot episode over the summer and our intern group watched it several times (it got funnier the more we watched it). Below is the link, you'll notice that Steve Carrel is the main boss in the show (Brick Tamland from Anchorman if you don't know his real name). For anyone that has ever worked in an office, you're going to love this. For all you others that have not, you'll still love it.

Love it. I'm out.

http://www.nbc.com/The_Office/

Mike Buratto... You suck

2005-03-22T20:40:00.000-05:00

There is nothing like a best friend to shoot you down at every accomplishment in life. Even little accomplishments such as creating your first blog. Sorry Mike, but I'm using my "Cyber Soap Box" to make fun of you now. I mean, don't get me wrong, living w/ Mike is great (we are not life partners). I love waking up at 4am to the mind numbing sounds of pots and pans banging against one another while he halts his 8 hour string of "Paper Mario" on Game Cube to make pancakes and sausage. Furthermore, you have not lived until you have seen a Mike Buratto "Temper Tantrum" up close. There really is nothing you can do about it because it is like watching a car accident. Just a lot of loud noise followed by destruction, but is only quickly pacified by some candy (just like a little baby). Anyone reading this, by all means, feel free to post you best Mike stories. One of my personal favorite’s occurred the other day when he slipped and fell in the shower. We are all glad he's ok, but come on buddy. The thought of Mike sprawled naked and crying in the shower is a ticklish thought. So, here's to you Mike Buratto. The only friend I know that will adamantly deny liking anything I do (such as going to Rick's, trying thefacebook, listening to any type of rap, having an unprecedented 13 inch penis), try it the next day, and be hooked for life.

2005-03-22T17:18:00.000-05:00

"I LOVE little boys!"

Myfirstblog Grand Opening

2005-03-22T16:27:00.000-05:00

Hellooo everyone!

Out of shear boredom and Senioritus I have created "MyFirstBlog." I have a feeling this will be better than thefacebook. Yes, a bold statement, but we'll see. This is a place for me to ruminate on the last days of my senior year (and beyond), make horrible jokes, tell you what I think, and for you to tell me how wrong I am to be doing such a thing.

Stay tuned for my updates on my shitty NCAA bracket.